No improvement

Since my last post, things have not improved. My ability to walk is still subject to the whims of misfiring nerves, and limited to approximately 30 feet before pain wins and I am forced to stop. Balance is also affected and there is still no sensation in my legs.

The strange thing about MS is that relapses or flare-ups happen quite suddenly, even when you recognize the triggers, and can disappear equally speedily. The damage to nerves is, as yet, not reversible and thus will always leave some residual aftereffects during the post-relapse or post-flareup recovery phase. However, no nerves act in isolation, they are merely the pathways for impulses to travel between points on and in your body. The troubles that most MS sufferers experience after relapses or flareups are usually due to these nerves not functioning as they should, however, on some occasions this damage is not confined to the nerves alone. For example, one of my relapses has left me with a vision impairment in my right eye. Another relapse has caused the left side of my chest to lose muscle tone and hence my left pectoral muscle is slightly lower than my right pectoral muscle.

So each relapse has to be taken serious and as an MS sufferer you need to become a lot more aware of your body. Small changes in your body's abilities will affect many things from lifestyle to daily routine work. Thus, your golf game will suffer but so too will your ability to do your job. The main thing to do is not to give in to the MS. You may have MS, but if you give in to MS ... then it has you! Once MS has you, you have taken the first step down an ugly road. It's a beast, so fight it. Try for as long as possible to do things for yourself by yourself! The added benefit is that this also makes you feel better mentally.

For this reason, in my present condition, I am refusing assistance from everyone and attempting to rest. Rest is very underrated, but it really does help in getting over tough relapses. Please do not refuse assistance if the relapse is so bad that you are endangering your own life or the lives of others. That would be foolish and counterproductive.

Give MS a good fight.

Concentration span .... gone!

Recently I have noticed something that particularly bothers me. The background is quick and simple. I am an academic through and through, undeniably and unequivocally. I have always prided myself in my mental abilities and agilities. I have always been able to completely immerse myself in any subject matter and remain at a state of high concentration for particularly long periods. During normal conversations, I easily follow the topic and, equally, can discuss complex subject matter without losing my train of thought. My brain has been my joy.

A new development has suddenly reared it's monstrous head ... for me anyway. Although I can still immerse myself in any subject matter and maintain gargantuan periods of concentration, the same is not true for normal conversation. During such conversations I will happily discuss the present subject matter and suddenly ... without warning ... the very next words that were on the verge of being formed in my mouth are erased from my mind and cunningly replaced by totally unrelated words. Words that have no bearing on the subject being discussed. Words that make no sense ... even to myself!

The look of utter consternation on my target's face clearly indicates to me that this has happened. This look is soon followed by another, that of disbelief! My intention is not to mess with their minds, however, I find myself wrestling with mine. Bringing my kicking and screaming mind back to the original topic, while maintaining an air of dignity and still trying to figure out how to make what I just uttered relevant to the topic, is ... quite frankly a Herculean task and entirely exhausting.

I do not believe that this happens to me due to either a particularly boring subject matter or person, because I have a completely different way of dealing with such instances. Furthermore, I clearly remember that the topic did interest me. During a normal loss of train of thought, one has the ability to still see the track if not the train. In my scenario there is no train and no track. It is a void.

According to the specialists in MS, trouble with concentration is one of the more regular complaints that sufferers share. I do not feel that my powers of concentration are diminishing in any manner, however, nothing else explains this event. Or is there? Perhaps it is a single neuron, the one whose sole task was to hold a train of thought, that suddenly and inexplicably misfired or, alternatively, decided to drop the connection and observe the chaos at my expense.

The mind is such a powerful organ, and yet it is also fragile. One little misfire and the intricate mechanisms, that make it work the way it does, are thrown into disarray. I still believe that a strong mind is essential in fighting MS. In the meantime, I may just stop wrestling it back to the original topic of conversation, and let it run rampant, recklessly and with "arms" in the air, along the new train of thought. I do empathize with people who will be at the receiving end of this ... but I really must have some fun too! You have been warned.