Here we go again

I have lost count by now, but my speech is going all over the place again. The words seem to tumble out of my mouth in a rather haphazard manner. The added dimension, which I find strangely yet humorously intriguing, is the plethora of accents that these random words assume.

The day starts with a rather "over-the-top" almost embarrassing German accent. The W's are pronounced as V's and the other letters of the alphabet are subjected to a similar undignified torture.

As the day progresses my speech switches to a heavy Yiddish accent followed by a distinct American drawl. This change is not as severe as it sounds. It's the lunchtime antipodean accent that causes the most trouble. Why? Because this is the time that most people try to contact me by phone, and it is they who think I am poking fun at them! Normally, this would not be an issue, in fact, I usually enjoy poking fun at everyone given half a chance, but my antipodean accent is so heavy and ludicrously bad, that the mere sound of it offends most people. Compared to me, Crocodile Dundee speaks the Queens English.

By mid-afternoon I have still not exhausted my repertoire of accents and I proceed to inflict on anyone who cares to listen, a lilting Irish accent. This accent I find deeply embarrassing because, quite clearly, I am not Irish.

On particularly good days I may even subject my audience to a really bad French and/or Italian accent. With such a bewildering array of accents at my disposal, I may get into serious trouble.

I have therefore decided that should I need to say anything, then I will need to say in Latin. I may offend my fellow Classicists, but they are few and far between and thus easy to avoid unlike all the other population groups mentioned above.

By the way, this piece was written in an Oxford accent! Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow morning sporting an Italian accent and thus make myself a decent cup of coffee.